Dementia can last many years and for a considerable amount of those years the person with dementia often is not the same person they were previously. Does this situation change things for couples?
I am really interested to hear your thoughts on this topic and see what the general opinion is on the matter. I have seen first hand how the ‘couple dynamic’ changes when someone goes into a nursing home.
There are many different angles to discuss this topic from and am hoping we can have a mature and sensitive discussion about the costs and benefits of dating another person.
This very situation would be occurring all the time around Australia, hence I feel this is a really important topic that needs to be discussed and ‘Dementia Downunder’ is an ideal safe and respectable forum to do so/
Some discussion points are:
• What if the person with dementia gives a green light to go ahead?
• Should the person who is dating feel guilty if the person with dementia forgets everything about their partner?
• What are the benefits of seeking new friendships and relationships?
• Should we judge those that are lonely and seeking love and affection?
• When the person declines so much that they are a different person, is it now ok to look outside the relationship for companionship or intimacy?
*Please read the two articles below to gain insight and a balanced viewpoint on this topic and then feel free to comment below with any feedback or thoughts you may have.
http://www.nextavenue.org/should-you-have-affair-when-your…/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201011/dating-someone-while-married-spouse-alzheimer-s-disease/
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Even at the beginning of my husband’s disease I, a Christian wife who had promised to remain loyal throughout illness, would have thought I would remain faithful…and yet now I contemplate the idea of finding a partner other than mine with Alzheimer’s. Someone with whom I can have a mutual conversation – something more than the 15th time of having to explain what today’s weather is going to be. I am 46 and lonely: I want conversations, and yes, sex. I am raising two children (tween and teen) and now a husband who is more and more like a toddler each and every day. I know better now than to judge someone else: you can’t truly know until you are in that situation.
Hi Jennifer, You are in a really tough situation, and it is hard to deal with when it is happening to you. Thank you for being open and honest with your comments. This situation is playing out everyday in homes around Australia. The repetitive nature of dementia is certainly frustrating. I believe the best way to deal with this is to imagine your husband’s brain is an ‘etch a sketch’ (toy from the 1970’s) that erases every 10 seconds. If you expect him to forget things you will be less frustrated. You will also conserve energy and use less words in general. People with dementia are reading your body language moreso than the words being said. If you can adapt to his declining condition this may help with communication in general. Your husband cannot change things and possibly knows his shortfalls, and it is not his fault, he is simply being impacted by the dementia. As family members we need to adapt to the person with dementia and find new strategies to keep life positive for all. In regard to a new partner. This a very personal thing and guilt plays a massive part in this. Your husband is most likely just ‘living in the moment’. You do need to take time out for yourself, keep living life and parenting your kids. I believe your connection with your husband can still remain albeit ‘in a different format’ to what you have previously had with him. If you do find a new partner they also need to be very understanding of the situation and allow you to express love to your husband when visiting eg. caring touch, words, hugs etc….your partner needs to be understanding of your feelings and be very patient. Dementia can last many years and the decline can be slow or quick. Only you can make these tough decisions but you need to follow your heart and not be influenced by others who are not fully across the impact of dementia. As you have said above – it is very easy to judge others when it is not happening to you. I would suggest you watch the documentary ‘Extreme Love: Dementia) by Louis Theroux. After watching this my entire thought process changed. I hope this helps and I wish you luck. Brett
My husband has Parkinson’s (20 years) and multi forms of dementia ( for 4 years ) he’s in a memory care facility. I feel divorced & widowed at the same time. I am lonely & sad all the time I still care, love and visit him daily. I make sure he’s happy in his world he is my 1st priority. I recently met a man who (a good friend) who can give me the emotional & intimacy connection I lost with my husband over 4 years ago. I feel guilty but I also have needs. Intimacy is not just about sex! It’s much more than that. My girlfriends & family also help with my happiness but this man fills a void in my heart that I wish I never lost with my husband. If I were in the same situation as my husband I would want him to move on with his life while still caring& visiting me. I’m sad after visiting my husband seeing him very slowly die in front on my eyes. I grieve everyday. That’s not healthy. I am doing everything I can possibly do to try to be happy. For years I just wanted to die in my sleep so I didn’t have to deal with this horrible slow death. I have grandchildren now, they help me be happy but this kind, understanding man I met also makes me very happy. Why is that so wrong?
I too have a husband with Alzheimer’s in his 8th year. I have a friend in a similar situation with his wife. We formed a relationship for nearly three years. I have had felt guilty for so long, but then I read the book Married But Single which was about being a carer for a dementia sufferer , yet still being alone! Many times I feel this is wrong as a Christian but we talk, we communicate. Is that so wrong?
No, it’s not wrong we all have needs. We all deserve to be happy. My husband is a memory care facility not quit a year but I lost him over 4 ago to PD over 10 yrs & dementia the last 5 years. Yes, I took vows but,I still care & love him & make sure he is happy in his world . I Visit him everyday. And I hired a private aide to visit the hours I’m not there. If roles were reversed I would hope & want him to find someone that he can be with, someone who can fill that companionship void which is very lonely. My family & girlfriends are great but this ( good friend) of mine have become more than friends, it just happened. It wasn’t planned. He understands my husband/ family is my 1st priority always. He fills the void I lost with my husband. I used to pray that I would die so I didn’t have to deal with this slow horrible death my husband is dealing with. This man that I met has helped me not feel so lonely. Take care of your self!
Just seeing your post. Who is the author of the book Married But Single. I’m married but single. My husband has PD (10 years) & multiform dementia.
My wife had a stroke 4yrs ago
Since stroke she has turned away any physical affect ion
She also thinks of me as a stranger
I sure have mortal weakness but????
Instead I go fishing
But if it came my way I would take it
Conflicts, Conflicts conflict
Such is life
Do what your heart tells you
My apologies if this offends anyone, that is not the intention. My partner of several years is married to a woman with dementia who is in a care home. He decided before he met me that he wanted a whole new life whilst at the same time retaining commitment to pay care home fees etc and generally financially supporting the situation and offering emotional support to his family. Speaking from my own perspective it is an intensely difficult situation to be a part of. We are both in our early 70’s and life is precious. My partner is as committed to our relationship as I am although is plagued by the blackmailing and emotional abuse from his family, who incidentally agreed they would support his new life. It is thus difficult for everyone involved. For those out there who have a partner with dementia/advanced dementia and who want to have a loving and fulfilled relationship with someone else, there are decisions to be made. If you want to maintain a relationship with the person with dementia and are committed to them in any way, then dont start something new. If however you feel strongly that you want emotional freedom then be prepared there is a cost to this. Either be prepared for the cost or dont do it. It is a tangled web. Not all new partners will be sympathetic, especially when older as life expectancy decreases and living now is the most important thing. It is not an easy option to try and have your cake and eat it.
Some partners may say there does not have to be a choice and will be prepared to sit it out and wait for dead mens shoes. Others will not tolerate being in an emotional threesome. Either route is not easy. If you choose the route of a new partner be conscious that you will attract criticism. You have to decide if you are ready for that and can deal with it. Some people are always happy to cause problems and to criticise even when this does not affect their life.
There are no rights or wrongs here but there are decisions to be made and you have to be ready to make those decisions. There is no room for personal guilt, it is self destructive. I wish every person with such a dilemma, the blessings of good friends who just want your happiness and do not criticise or condemn, what ever the choices are. Marriages end all the time sadly, whether due to a partner having dementia or a myriad of other things. Just decide where your priorities lie and find that place within that will give you the strength to follow through on the decisions you make
Thankyou for your open and honest account Shirlene. You certainly brought up many valid points and areas of discussion that impact on people everyday.
You have highlighted the challenges people face when dealing with a partner with dementia and this will help others in their own personal decision making.
I was dating a man who’s wife is in a. Nursing home with Dementia and broke off with me because of quilt do I just let him go or wait it out??
Please help me I am so confused because he said he loves me what do I do
I am widow of 5 years whose spouse had stroke and left him brain damage with a rear form of Acadia and dementia like symptoms. I took care of him for 12 years. Married for 24 years. I am 69 and am in affair with a man whose wife has early Alzheimer’s. Her mom and sister died from that horrible disease. I really care for this man and completely understand some of the emotional snd physical needs that may be disappearing. I am a believer in don’t judge until you walk in their shoes. I respect anybody that has to deal with this kind of disability and has to make decisions that are tough. We met in a purely a by chance situation. I understood what he is going through and I was also in need of emotional and physical support. I have known him for a little more that two years and we meet whenever it is possible. I understand what he is feeling
I can say, as a man who is caring for both his wife (FTD) and his mother (Alzheimer’s) that I’ve been giving this serious thought. Living only with people with dementia is very lonely. It’s basically impossible to have a real conversation and going out and having a fun evening is completely ruled out. They are generally in bed by 7PM. I feel that having someone I could spend enjoyable time with would really help me. I think that one of the things holding me back is finding someone who could deal with only seeing me occasionally when I can find someone to look after them and break free. Another general concern is, for lack of a better term, complexity. I juggle so many different tasks on an average day that working more complexity into my life is very daunting.
Be careful, there are men out there that will seek out lonely women hoping that when the husband dies that he will have access to insurance etc.
Not only men will be careful of females to
Here’s my thoughts. I’m lonely because my husband has dementia. I take care of his needs now which include having a wonderful caregiver spend time with him. I’m not actively seeking male companionship but would welcome if it came. I think I have a right to happiness and love if I can find it. That doesn’t diminish my feelings for him but my relationship now is caretaker. I think we all have to decide what is best for us without worrying what others think. It’s our life.
I agree. I have been living with a man for 12y who developed dementia. We were basically ended up good friends who travelled a lot before his dementia. . I respect him. He is a kind caring man. He sold his house and moved into is a memory care facility. I have moved back to my house. I would love to meet a kind loving man for companionship and more. But should I feel guilty since my friend still knows me and we talk a lot on the phone. I keep myself up, am slender and pretty I’m told. I am in my late stage of life and still Love to laugh dance and would like to enjoy the rest of my life with a wonderful loving understanding man. Where would I find some one like that?
Elena, it is with interest I read your comments, I am a 60 year old man whose wife has just entered a Care Facility due to Dementia , she is 10 years my junior. I cared alone for her for 3 years with no family support until I was drained. I feel lost and exhausted, and lonely. I would love to meet another woman, I won’t feel any guilt, no one deserves to be alone.I hope by now you have found a nice caring man, if not and you wish to chat, please feel free to contact me.
I’m an active 68 year old man in excellent health. After many years of at-home caring for my wife who has dimentia and advanced Multiple Sclerosis , her condition worsened to the point that she could no longer live at home safely, and she is now in a nursing home and she’ll never return home.She’s been at the nursing home for a bit over three years. For the first couple of years, I felt so overcome with guilt about the situation, my joy in life was deadened and I had no interest in looking for a relationship. Yet, all the the while, I knew that I had done everything possible to keep her at home for as long as possible. I visit her frequently, but because of her cognitive issues, she can’t have conversations and our interactions are very limited in terms of what we do. Recently, as I’ve come to terms with the situation, I find myself “awakening” and
missing having a relationship with a woman. I’d like to form such a relationship ethically, with all of my commitments on the table. Yet, as many of you in this thread have referred to, it takes a very special person to consider forming a relationship with someone whose spouse is in a nursing home. I’m not sure how to begin looking for potential female companions, given the limitations of what I have to offer, commitment-wise. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?
John
My wife recently moved to a long term care facility because she has dementia. We have not had a “relationship” in over 5 years . I am 79 and am active in sports, in good shape physically and mentally and think I want to enjoy life as long as I can…whatever that means. My major problem was feeling lonely. I see my wife every day and spend approximately 1.5 hours each visit. She “sorta” knows me but forgets that I saw her yesterday. She complains to the carers that she misses me……I can do little more than what I am doing.
I recently reconnected with a woman who was widowed last year. I remember our first coffee meeting…..after quite a chat, I could sense we were on the same page…lonely, looking for someone to do things with. I hugged her goodbye that day and she simply groaned…”this is what I miss, hugs,being closely held”. Our relationship escalated after that until several weeks later we had planned a number of activities in the forthcoming months that established we were doing things together. We enjoyed the opportunity to “be with” someone. We had each LOST someone dear to us (50 years of marriage for both of us).
I have been fully supported by certain friends and a daughter in making a new life. I do not feel guilt because there is nothing I am ashamed of. I am not cheating perhaps except in the strictest moral way but I counterbalance this with the feeling of happiness I feel knowing that the next few years will be far more full than if I sat around lonely and moping.
As for your question…what to do….there are tonnes of people out there who are alone…..in the same boat as we. Some take a very long time to feel they can “date” again. That is their choice. I reckon on having a few more years before calling it quits and Inshall do whatever I can to ensure that I am happy doing it. Nothing is gained by being unhappy and depriving yourself of female companionship on whatever level your and she develop.
SO HAPPY
i am 92 and am in a similar position. my wife of 68 years has vascular dementia and is in a home many miles away but close to a number of relatives. i do not expect to see her again as i am concerned that she would want to return only to be in a care home witth only myself to visit her. because of the pandemic we drifted apart both being too deaf to hear the other. in the carehome my daughters tell me she is quite content.
I ,on the other hand, have become increasingly lonely as all staff have gone by 4 pm and i see no oe from 4 on a Friday until 9 am on the Monday.
I have, through the internet, met a lovely younger woman who I believe is happy to come and live with me. I will continue to pay for my wife’s care as long as she lives. it so happens that i seem to have found not only a companion but also someone whom i may well come to love. is this wrong
It’s not wrong Brian. For the remainder of your days, live life to the fullest. No one should live alone unless it is their desire. The most important emotion we have is to love and be loved.
Hi my name is Betty. My spouse of twenty years developed dementia He is now 68 and me 62. I just started to just meet others. Most walk away, but a couple stay and remain friends. I think generally if they have experience with dementia it makes a world of difference.
My wife (of 35 years) was diagnosed this past Sep (2022), and is only Stage 3 on the GDS. She is 67 (retired) and I am 55 (still working).
I am in such an odd place that I cannot find resources to support us/me. It’s usually the man who gets dementia, and he’s the older one, and is retired, right? She doesn’t want to share her diagnosis with people we know til she’s ready to do so.
Given just the past year – pre- and post-diagnoais – this is looking like a short chapter in our lives. Intimacy took a nose dive about 18 months ago when her aphasia and recall became more obvious (which prompted the consults to pulmonary for sleep-wake cycle issues, to a neurologist because of seizures, and NeuroPsych for testing).
I’ve begun thinking lately about why I’ve felt so much anxiety, have to begin some aspects of caregiving when I end my day job, and there’s no warmth/empathy in my marriage now… I miss it. I don’t know if this need of mine is a conversation we should have (or if it’s too late, and to bring it up now would not be advised). Help.
My husband of 28 years was diagnosed with dementia and had to placed in an assisted living facility. I work full time and he had gotten to a place where he couldn’t be left alone. We suffered in silence for about 3 years as he didn’t want anyone to know. While I knew what was happening, I was in major denial. There is a huge gap in our age (23 years). I am in search of resources as well. I’ll be sure to post whatever I find. I’m 52 years old trying to navigate life as a single married woman. I do wish you the best.
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one out there
I am the wife of an Alzheimer’s patient. Cared for him at home for 4 years then became necessary to enter into a memory care facility.
We have been married for 43 years and have 4 children and 8 grand children.
I am a healthy 68 year old. My children are busy with their families. I still work to offset the expense of the facility and stay active playing tennis. About 6 months ago, I reached out to a man that had lost his wife. We spoke regularly by phone and then I invited him to be my +one
at a friends Xmas gathering. Overtime this relationship has grown. We have been support for each other.
I decided to let my kids know about my friend.
My girls want me to “be happy”. The boys, however were angry. One son went as far as to say that he could never respect a man that dated me knowing my husband was still alive and suffering from Alzheimer’s.
The reaction from all the kids was that they did not want to meet or hear anything about my friend.
I was so happy prior to being honest with my kids.
I feel I have pulled a person into my complicated life. This person has been through an already devastating loss. We have become close and I don’t want him hurt.
I am sensitive to their feelings. Should I be forced to chose?
Hi June,
A very delicate situation indeed. I can totally understand your feelings in this situation and they are valid. When a partner has dementia there comes a time when they are simply ‘living in the moment’ and have no comprehension of their former partnership status.
In my opinion there is nothing wrong with having a new friendship as dementia can span across years and this can be a very long time to be alone. Not to mention the physical and emotional impact due to caring for someone with dementia.
You can still provide love, care, positive feelings and create feel good times for your husband regardless. Your support needs to be considered in this situation but unfortunately people who do not fully understand dementia will simply focus on infidelity/betrayal because this is the normal ‘judgement’ of society. What they fail to realise is that when someone has dementia they are severely impacting on their partner by default.
I believe if someone makes you happy then that places you in a more positive headspace to show kindness and love to your husband when you visit etc.
I would suggest you each the Louis Theroux documentary – Extreme Love :Dementia. It illustrates how partners can navigate similar situations to yours. I hope this is of benefit to you.
All the best
Brett
watch (not each….)
That particular documentary is not available, however if I could share something, my own perspective. My wife of 62 years is now in a nursing home after many years of home caregiving. I visit every day for hours at a time ; I still care and caregive to her even though she lives in the past.
I met someone whose partner is also in the same facility and quite frankly her situation mirrors my own.
We share our day’s challenges over a glass of wine and support each other emotionally.
We don’t have family in the city and the ambiguous loss of a long time partner has affected both of us. The feelings of guilt initially have been reduced to a sense of I can’t do more and now I have to look after
“Self” I want to be happy in whatever time I have left, and , in sharing this with lifetime friends the response has been totally positive!
Find happiness where you can and know that there will be those that will feel this is not appropriate , but then they don’t go home alone with no one to share the day with.
The tender , understanding human touch is so important and powerful to good mental health that it can’t be ignored based on a certain level of propriety in our society.
If that new person makes you laugh , enjoys the same things , makes you happy AGAIN then I say by all means reach out of your comfort zone and help someone else to manage a life reborn at the same time you are rebuilding your own.
Love and be loved
I have read all of the above but here is a different perspective.
My sister in law developed Semantic Dementia a few years ago and is now in a Long Term Care facility.
The family have all supported her husband by taking turns having her stay for a few days to give her husband a break prior to putting her in the home.
He asked us again to take her for a week several years ago, we couldn’t because we had work commitments…we then found out he put her in the care facility as respite without explaining to her where she was going for one week.
He then left on a trip to Cuba with a woman he worked with, we were shocked.
In fact this man came home and did not pick up his wife for three days
Once she was in the care facility permanently he was seen around town with this woman, at concerts and restaurants, even his family has welcomed her to their farm.
We are sickened by this…as much as I can understand a person’s need for companionship …how do you think that person’s family feels when they see this going on..knowing his wife is alone and needs him now more then ever.
He gets to hide this affair but it has now become well known …their pictures are showing up on Facebook together..he might see his wife once or twice a month for a few minutes…I take care of getting her clothes, hair and nail treatments…visits with other family members.
So when you are cheating with a married individual, you are not only cheating on your ill spouse you are hurting her family so deeply…there are a few sides to every story….my question is one can you not respect your vows..in sickness and in health…or at least be discreet.
IF MY INITIAL POST UPSET PEOPLE I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE, BUT REITERATE MY POSITION.
IF YOU ARE DATING AN INDIVIDUAL WHOSE SPOUSE IS IN A CARE FACILITY, WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU JUST BE DISCREET IN RESPECT FOR THE ILL SPOUSE FIRST AND FOREMOST AND HIS OR HER FAMILY.
THIS SITUATION ESCALATED A FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN THIS WOMAN SHOWED UP AT A FAMILY FUNERAL AND HAD THE NERVE TO STAND IN A RECEIVING LINE AND INTRODUCE HERSELF AS HIS GIRLFRIEND, SHOCK AND ANGER WAS THE FAMILIES RESPONSE. WE WERE SO HUMILIATED, PLEASE THINK BEFORE YOU OPENLY ENGAGE IN THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOUR.
For how long did this gentleman care for his wife? My wife has had frontotemporal dementia for seven years now. She has only become completely dependent over the last three years, but during that time it has taken an incredible toll on me. We have been together for 43 years and raised four children. We were best friends and had a solid marriage, although just like everyone, it was not perfect. The brunt of the caregiving is mine although I am not retired yet. Getting outside help costs about $30 an hour and our kids don’t live near us or have lives of their own so they can help but not much. I am in decent health and have been physically active but that has had to be put to the side while I take care of my wife. But the most difficult thing by far is the intense loneliness as the person you cared for is reduced to speaking 10 words a day with none of them making any sense. I am 64 and feel my health slowly declining as the stress is eating away at me. Long-term care is not an option yet as she is a flight risk and the nursing homes have refused to take her until she has become more compliant.
You say the man’s own family welcomed his girlfriend to their farm, so why should you be worried about it? Perhaps this gentleman has been a terrible husband for a long time. If that is true, I can understand your anger. But if he tried, and I mean really tried, but is tired and just wants to live, it seems to be asking a lot for his primary concern to be your feelings of humiliation.
My husband has Alzheimers, Vascular Dementia, Parkinsons Disease, Bowell complaint and suffered a number of TIA’s. He does not know me or remember our children, his home or what he did for a living. He needs to be fed, put to bed, taken to the toilet and can no longer stand or walk. He is confined to a wheel chair. I have taken him to every doctor possible to obtain assistance but of course, they can not help at this point. I have adhered to my marriage vows and remained faithful and true in every sense of the word, I have had no family assistance and now, after a stroke, my husband has been admitted to an LTC. home. I would dearly love, as well as need, to find a companion. I am still youthful but lonely, sad and burned out. Neighbours have criticized my need and called me an adulteress in the making. One told me that her husband is in an LTC home but she would NEVER consider looking for a companion. How could I be so unfaithful? Her husband still knows her and they enjoy an active sex life. She also has children who help out by sharing the caregiving. How does one learn to ignore such harsh judgments? Victoria
My husband who had been diagnosed with Dementia for 2 years at the age of 62 had all his symptoms reversed with Ayurveda medicine from naturalherbscentre. com after undergoing their Dementia natural protocol, he’s now able to comprehend what is seen. God Bless all Dementia disease Caregivers. Stay Strong, take small moments throughout the day to thank yourself, to love your self, and pray to whatever faith, star, spiritual force you believe in and ask for strength. I can personally vouch for these remedy but you would probably need to decide what works best for you.
Situation: Wife with dementia in nursing home and husband is dating. He’s told everyone and posted pictures. Obviously people know of him and his wife. Now … his brother in law and family are invited for thanksgiving with the brother in law and new girlfriend there. How do you handle this? No, they are not happy about everything being out in the open!
So sorry for the wife with dementia, but there are two victims here, the one with this horrible diagnosis and the one that has to care for them. At diagnosis the mourning of “what was” begins. As time goes by the love is there but it takes on a different form. It’s so sad to have your partner leave you emotionally, socially and physically. People divorce for lesser reasons. If she is getting qualified care in the nursing home, and sadly goes in and out of not knowing day/time/family etc….then I think he should be allowed those opportunities with someone else. It doesn’t diminish what he had with his wife. It’s so sad when caregivers are lost on the way through the journey of caregiving. Why have two victims to this disease. As far as being discreet- I do feel it would have been helpful for him to have conversations with family and friends about his hardship in making this decision to put her in a permanent nursing home as well as dating someone else. So for that I feel bad for you and others that feel the same. He must have been so relieved to move forward that he didn’t think about the others effected or he is so spent that moving forward was survival for him.
Life and Love must go on for the caregiver and sadly the one with severe illness really has lost both due to the damage in the brain. So very devastating!
I am married 37 years to a spouse with Alzheimers. He is only 70 years old, and I took care of him for 3 years at home. Then had to move him to a facility. I am reasonably healthy but do have some mobility issues. I am very lonely, too. I visit my husband 5 or 6 days a week, and we both enjoy seeing each other. He still remembers me,
but hardly anyone else. He can no longer hold a conversation. I have met a man in similar circumstances. He took care of his wife for 9 years before putting her in assisted living for Dementia patients. They have been married 54 years and he is very devoted to her. We compare notes about the facilities, activities they have,
physical therapy etc. We do talk about a lot of other things, too. This man is very intelligent, compassionate and
caring. We email every day and I cherish his friendship. Is there any chance he would be willing to gradually move our friendship to casual dating? I really enjoy talking with him I am not ready for anything more than that, yet. Your thoughts.
I have been faithful and true to my wonderful husband for 41 years of marriage, We have loved one another dearly and been loyal supports. Six years ago, he had a mini stroke followed by Vascular Dementia, then Alzheimers, then Parkinsons. He ended up in hospital and then an LTC home. After many varied and unsuccessful treatments, he no longer knows me or can do anything for himself, His soul is a prisoner in a virtually lifeless body. Just before, he could no longer communicate, he composed a beautiful letter to me. In essense he said that it was time to recognize nothing more could be done for him and acceptance was necessary for me. I have endured a wretched 2 1/2 years bit have received support from a long-standing family friend who has lost his wife. Because of my husband’s LTC costs and out-of-control inflation. I am concerned about my savings being exhausted. When my husband passes, I will only receive a small percentage of his pension and I have none of my own. My friend wants me to move into his house with him. We have grown very fond of one another and I would love to move in with him for a number of reasons but feel guilty. Female neighbours have been very unkind to me and although they have offered no assistance whatsoever throughout the years while I have had to handle my husband’s situation 100% on my own, they freely express that they would not abandon their husbands. I am not abandoning my husband. I check with his LTC home 4 to 5 times per week. I make sure that I check his meds, keep in touch with the various shift nurses and all of his needs are attended to. This will never change. Yet the comments from these women continue to hurt me deeply because they are totally undeserved. I am happy that I now have a companion who is supporting me emotionally and will ensure that I do not end up penniless. We are both in our 80th year and are grateful that we are no longer lonely after losing much loved spouses. How can I stop the emotional pain caused by these cruel women?
I have been seeing a man now for 3 1/2 years whose wife has been in a nursing home for over 5 years. She doesn’t speak, walk or feed herself. She has been in the final stage of Alzheimer’s since I met him. I am a widow and lost my husband in 2018. He survived a 8 hour heart surgery after a cardiac event but his brain was already severely damaged. We waited 4 days until after removing him from life support two times he finally passed. Due to my own loss I understood the devastating reality of loosing a partner. When I was struggling with whether or not to continue seeing this man whose wife was in a home, a wise person reminded me that my husband’s brain death was just like the of an end stage Alzheimer’s patient. These unfortunate patients have left the relationship unwillingly, leaving their partner alone, sad and longing to move forward with some sort of hope and happiness in the future.
I feel if people judge or don’t understand the choice we have made to be together than they are fortunate enough to have not experienced the pain of loosing their partner bit by bit. How hurtful it is for those who get to go home and have a conversation about simple things like dinner and future weekend plans with their spouse to pass judgement on those that are longing for that and will NEVER have it due to the disease. Especially those that are experiencing early onset Alzheimer’s and their spouse could live for many many years.
My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers 3 years ago. The disease has progressed to a point where next month she must be put in a memory care facility to obtain the quality of life she needs. After 40+ years of marriage this is the most difficult task I’ve faced in all that time. She only recognize me as an adversary and has attempted violence. I’ve put my life on hold to see she gets the care she needs. When reality set in and I determined she wasn’t ever coming back I started longing for the companionship of another female. Of course I don’t have a clue on how to search out another companion. I know the final chapter of my life hasn’t been written because there’s more left in the tank.
I have been married to my wife for 50 years. She is disabled from strokes, diabetes and has dementia. I took care of her at home for 3 years and was killing myself but didn’t know it. She has been in the nursing home for 6 months and her health has greatly diminished. I long for female companionship, going out to eat, conversation, travel, affection etc. Yet I am determined to be faithful to my vows. So I have tried to cope by doing activities with mixed groups. I meet with a group of widowers and widows once a week. I speak to my sister by phone a couple times a week. I watch romance movies and read memoirs from female authors. I also am contemplating seeing a female counselor which would give me a woman to talk to in a professional setting. These things help but I still have longings. I pray that God will keep me from tempation but it is very hard.
Hi I have met a man who is still married to his wife who has had dementia for the last 5 years and has just recently been admitted to a Nursing Home. I too am alone but the moment I met him there was a connection with us both – he has been totally honest and upfront about what is happening to his wife and we have discussed this quite thoroughly and I am ok with that. He still goes and sees his wife – which I don’t have a problem with – he spends at least 10 mins with her but he said that she does not recognise him anymore. He did mention to me that it is time for him to find a partner who he wants to share his life with. Regards
My husband has dementia which has worsened over the last 9 years. He is very advanced and is now in a Home. 18 months ago, I met a wonderful man, who at the time, was a recent widower. We have formed a strong and loving relationship, with so much in common, both in our late 70s. It’s not about sex or money, it’s about love and care and companionship. However, my daughters treat me with cold shoulder and suspicion, and my husband isn’t even their paternal father. My friends are so happy for me. Undertstanding my constant care of my husband, while loving my new partner, who also cares about my poor husband. I have filled my life with love again, new and old friends, and security with companionship and love. I don’t feel guilty because I have not abandoned my husband, kicking up my heels etc, but I know life is very and suddenly short. Waiting was on the agenda, if at all, but suddenly, this wonderful thing happened! Life can be so rewarding after the pain and sorrow of watching a love one slip away. But it has come with a price….family! How to overcome that hurdle!
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I met a man 4 years after my partner passed away from ALS through a dating site where he identify his status as a widower. He told me he lost his wife to Alzheimer and Psychosis. After 9 months of dating and spending every night together and he expressed he would like to marry me, he disclosed that his wife in still alive and in a dementia home. He said he had not the courage to tell me earlier. I am very upset about lying part. He allowed me to fall in love with him and have hope for future and all crumbled. He says he loves me and can’t live without me but how I can trust him. I am struggling to what to do.
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Hello fellow travelers.
I have read this very long list of very sad situations with many people who do not have the courage to follow their own convictions. It is possible to love more than one person at a time. I have two daughters. I love them both equally. I have a wife with dementia (Alzheimer’s) who doesn’t know me as her husband and who certainly doesn’t understand that we have been very happily married for 40 years. I love her and tell her this every day, but she is unable to comprehend. I have the capacity to love her and to love another at the same time. Obviously one relationship is now a purely platonic friendship.
I haven’t been rejected. This took over a year to comprehend. I was in a deep grief. She simply cannot remember. It is not her fault.
I now have a friend who has been divorced for 20 years and who has become a very close friend of my wife. She is understanding of our situation and understanding that I still have a deep love for my wife. My new friend and I spend much happy time together, and much happy time with my wife. For many neighbors it appears that my wife has a new friend! We have traveled extensively together. We recently traveled to Bali and joined a tour group who were a little bit puzzled by our arrangements until I explained the situation.
We have two daughters who accept the situation. We have good friends who accept the situation. My wife is fully aware of the situation even though she struggles to know that we were married.
I think the success of our arrangement is that I put all cards on the table at the earliest possible stage. My wife, who treats me as a flatmate, was genuinely delighted that I had found a new friend. I have made no secret of our relationship. I seek no approval from others. I am happy. Our adult girls are happy. My friend and I are happy. Just get on with life.
The second reason for our success, so far, is that we all live this arrangement one day at a time without getting ahead of ourselves. We live separately and will continue to do so.
We are both in our early 70s and fully realize that the human and emotional needs that are universal can be met without guilt and without damaging others. We have a wonderful opportunity to grasp this gift at this stage of our lives.
My wife, who has had Alzheimer’s for 2 1/2 years has now gone into aged care because this creates the best quality of life for her. She has Capgras Syndrome. I suggest you Google it. It is the most weird thing in the world.
However, none of this has stopped me loving her, and none of this has prevented me from realizing that as a human, I need to love again. Loving again has made me a much better caregiver for my wife.
I suggest people stop seeking the approval of others and to look inwards and search your soul. I am a good person. I am an honest person. I have been faithful for 40 years. Life has changed, my wife has changed, my situation has changed. I have to accept this unexpected twist and move on. I owe it to myself.
I hope that you can do the same. When acceptance is complete there is no guilt because there is nothing to be guilty about. My wife would hope the best for me and I hope the best for her. She has lost nothing because she has moved on. Our 40 years of marriage is still intact. I will always love and care for her. I have a new friend. I care for my wife. We are all happy. Very boring. End of story. !! ( A bit long. Sorry about that. Make contact if you wish to know more)
Best wishes.
Since my Uncle Justine introduced me to a love psychic my wife dropped our divorce case and has been the one advising me to let keep working on our marriage that it can still work. She filled for divorce last month because she saw a picture of me and another girl hanging out in a bar while I told her I was away from town for work. It has happened many times and I always feel remorseful and I sincerely understand that she was fed up. I am ready to change but my wife has already filled for divorce until my uncle introduced me to seek for love solution for crumbling marriage and it worked. My wife is back to the house and everything is better than perfect.
My wife is back to the house and everything is better than perfect. my wife and I are expecting our second child. (sango priestess love solution AT outlook . com)